42 Years ago, the Lord invaded my life….
Updated: 3 days ago
I was living in the homosexual lifestyle for many years, and finally 42 years ago, the Lord revealed His truth to me, and brought conviction of my sinful life, and that it was a lie.
He granted me the Grace to see the truth, and the gift of Repentance…I was raised within a Baptist background as a youth, baptized in water, yet….I was NOT born again. I through the pressure of an Aunt “accepted Jesus” as my Savior and became “religious” for a little while. Yet lived a secret life in the gay lifestyle. I was sexually, emotionally, and physically abused by my mother, who was also a victim of abuse by her father, I lived a life of depression, desiring to be a “girl” at a very young age, because my mother desired girls. I was rejected by her, and my father was not there for me also. She hated him and me because I was first born, and named after my father. My father was an adulterer, and was not faithful during their marriage.
I was also sexually abused through friends of theirs when staying overnight, due to being childhood friends with their two boys. I grew up in so much confusion, pain, and suffered endless depressions, never had real friends in school, so I fantasized my whole life in being and desiring to be someone else, due to the abuses, I also tired to commit suicide at the age of 14.
However, when the Lord came and saved me at the age of 26, alone in my rented room in a boarding house owned by two gay men, without a Bible, but a simple tract which I found on the subway, He came and revealed to me, He was alive and very real, I was stunned because I always thought I was a “Christian”, but once He saved me I immediately knew I was NEVER born again as a Youth, because HE was never real to me, but that night I knew He was truly real, I wept as I have never wept before, seeing and knowing that I lived a lie, and that HE truly Loved me enough as I was but knew how HE could change my life. If I may, it was almost like a Saul moment, before he became Paul. I could not believe that this God truly Loved me, and was REAL and ALIVE! I was forgiven, and a cleansing took place so powerful, I kept weeping and at the same time so filled with a rapturous Joy unspeakable! It lasted hours……..but it was too be a very long journey indeed.
However due to my rebirth, I was a babe in Christ, and I looked for a church to go to, so I ended up at a “Pentecostal” church for a couple of months, then due to start sensing things were not so right at that church, I was introduced into a “Home Fellowship”, where several families were all living together in an old country farmhouse in a rural area of the city. This fellowship was being lead by a woman, pastor, teacher, “prophetess”. Due to the “Love” I felt there I was sucked right into it, but alas, it is also where I learned Doctrine of Demons, and abuses and more confusions…..she was of the Hyper-faith movement, also with influences of “Manifested Sons of God” and “Kingdom Now” belief’s. Any time I had confusion concerning some of the actions taking place I would question her, and she would immediately start accusing me of having a “spirit” of rebellion, which frightened me to my core! To make a long story short, eventually after a few years with this group, while at work, the fellowship was raided by the police, it was printed in all the area newspapers, with photo’s of some of the members. Her sons which had left the “fellowship” had reported there were abuses being done, and it was truly correct…….I was so confused, yet I could not stay with this group, and I deserted them, so I thought myself as a Judas, and that I was not truly born-again, I was a traitor…..but I learned that this woman pastor was arrested and charged with various abuses, which I knew was true, she ended up being found guilty, and sent to prison for 6 months. So many families and individuals were deeply wounded by this Cult.
I , thinking I was a Judas, went back into my old life, thinking I believed a lie…..I was devastated, my faith vanished….I was in my old life for several years, until I moved to a different city many hundreds of miles away….away from the cult and the pain……I was an emotional, and mental wreck……..but after a couple of years in the new city……..the Lord in His infinite mercy, started to draw me back to Him….I was ever so grateful, but I was starting to learn and accept that His Rest Fellowship was a cult, with a deceived woman leader! But, through the years that followed I went into another Pentecostal church, a hyper-faith Anglican church, got involved with the John Wimber Vineyard movement a Moris Curello fellowship, the Apostolic Church movement and each time the Lord made me to discern all was not correct in these organizations, so eventually HE got me separated unto Himself.
It has been a very painful, and at times a nightmarish mental walk, to undue all the false teaching and belief-isms, the deep scares of sexual abuses by a parent, more depressions to the point I no longer desired to live, but the Lord above kept me through it all, and yet used me for other’s during this whole ordeal. I have learned not to trust in any man, not to be swayed by other’s belief’s, but to lean upon the Lord, and His Word, to trust Him in His power to save, to sanctify the soul from every fleshly, and wicked way, especially my emotions!
We still dwell in this flesh, which one day will be totally and forever changed into His likeness. He is our Love Song, He is our very life, there is no one EVER likened unto Him! He shall cleanse us from ALL our Idols, it is never done in one clean swoop, it’s a daily, weekly, yearly cleansing, but HE must DO it ALL!
I apologize for taking so much room, but I just wanted to share my story as “briefly” as possible, but I am not totally there yet, He is not finished with me or any TRUE believer, He shall Keep us, no matter what the enemy tries to do against us, HE is in control….and I’m still learning this more and more each day, especially now in these Last Days!
He is coming……and I must say I tremble for this world and it’s sins, He is a Righteous God, and if “we barely be saved” can you imagine what this world will experience without His Saving Grace………So let us learn from one another, we each have gifts, and some gifts come from experience, and the leading of the Holy Spirit! We need to understand that we all can learn from one another, and if there be unbelief, then ask the Lord to reveal it…..I know I’ve done it many times through the years…. Here is something which the Lord gave to me back in the late 90’s, and I have found it true to this day”
“Into His Fullness we most assuredly will grow, as we learn daily, by Grace, how to lay our lives low”.
In His Eternal Love